Mighty Mighty Pleasin', My Pappy's Corn Squeezins... mmmmmm... White Lightnin'!

Robert Boyd, Viking Killer

Dudes, you don't wanna mess with me.

The Boyds had been one of the big families of Kilmarnock for centuries - they can be traced on the Ayrshire coast as far back as the late 1200s, with a Robert Boyd fighting the Vikings in the Battle of Largs, whose son then fought alongside Robert the Bruce - and who was rewarded by Bruce by a huge grant of land in Ayrshire. (The History of Portavogie, Mark Thompson)

Fly the Naked Skies

Isn't this the perfect moment in history to start a nudist airline? Just thinking out loud, here...

Robert W. Boyd, Outdoorsman and High School Teacher

One of the slightly spooky things about having your own name on Google Alerts is that items like this occasionally pop up.

HOLDERNESS -- Robert W. Boyd, 68, died Nov. 12, 2009, at his residence.
He born in Danvers, Mass., to Robert W. and Delia Cecile (Langlais) Boyd. He graduated from Salem State.
After several years of teaching high school in Danvers and Peabody, Mass., as well as serving on the Danvers Police Dept., he moved to Alaska where he spent 22 years teaching in Bethel schools and in outlying fishing villages.
A lifelong outdoorsman, he enjoyed hunting, fishing, trapping and all that Alaska had to offer.
Upon retiring to New Hampshire in 2004, he pursued gardening, as well as raising poultry and livestock. (Union Leader, November 17, 2009)

I raise a glass to you, Robert W. Boyd! I am happy to note that he is survived by several family members, including a son named . . . Robert W. Boyd.

Ultra-Rich Crybaby Threatens Kinkaid, Embarrasses Self, Family

As some of you may know, I went to Memorial High School (class of 81, baby!). Now in sports we had rivalries (for example, we were rivals of the now defunct Westchester High School). That shit was never important to me, though. For me, our real rivals were St. John's and Kinkaid--those were the schools we were always competing with academically. I always was checking out who had more National Merit Semifinalists, who won more trophies at math contests (yes, I entered those as a high schooler), etc.

Twenty-seven years later, I still notice when Kindaid makes the news, as in this post on Dealbreaker.

Hugh “Skip” McGee III is not happy. The former Lehman Brothers head of investment banking/current Barclays employee of the same title is specifically not happy with the hippies at The Kinkaid School. You see, kids, The Kinkaid School is an institution Skippy spends good money to send his children to and lately? The commune seems to be poisoning the McGees’ minds in a dangerous way. And to be honest, Skip has had it. He’s held his tongue ‘til now but not anymore. So what’s going to happen, is Skip is going to sit down and lose his shit in a letter to the school, demanding the dismissal of a whole buncha personnel, and come seriously close to giving himself a hernia. You wanna know why? Skip’s got three reasons:
1. The school made a bunch of high school boys very upset (not just upset, “humiliated”) when it wouldn’t let them dress in drag for a pep rally.
2. Something about “a gay female coach” (Skip’s original draft: “fucking dyke”) who The Skipper wants fired.
3. (The pièce de résistance:) History teacher Leslie Lovett should also be fired because she injects her ‘leftist invective’ in the curriculum and said mean, hurtful things about investment bankers, particularly those working for Lehman and Barclays, and made Skippy’s son cry. Luckily, Skip Jr. wiped his eyes, stood up to Ms. Lovett and said, you are wrong about my dad! He wanted to save Lehman. He wanted to save Lehman so bad!

Whoa! Read the whole thing.This teacher may have been unfair to investment bankers, but Skip McGee didn't do them any favors with this letter. Hoo-hah!

To Commit the Perfect Crime You Need a Perfect Victim

A police report said the 21-year-old Denton woman answered a knock at her door by someone who claimed he was doing field work for a massage class.

She let the man into her apartment and allowed him to massage her, but became suspicious when he asked her to keep taking off more clothes Monday.

Police say the woman finally got the man to leave, but not before he asked her to go on a date.

She declined.

She called the massage school and was told the man was not enrolled. She then called police. (The Houston Chronicle, 12/3/09)

I really don't have anything to add to this nearly perfect piece of journalism.

This is Totally Sick and Wrong and I Would Buy It If I Had Money to Burn

 

DALLAS — The $16.50 gray fedora worn by Dallas strip club owner Jack Ruby when he fatally shot Lee Harvey Oswald in 1963 is for sale.


Heritage Auctions scheduled an auction Saturday for the Cavanagh fedora. President John F. Kennedy was slain on Nov. 22, 1963. Oswald was arrested for the assassination. Ruby fatally shot Oswald on Nov. 24, in an attack captured during a live TV broadcast as the suspected assassin was being escorted by law officers.

The auction house estimates the fedora, with Ruby’s name embossed inside in gold and the cost of the hat, will sell for more than $35,000. (Associated Press, The Houston Chronicle, 11/4/2009)

Hasn't He Suffered Enough?

ST. JOHN’S, Antigua — Disgraced Texas financier R. Allen Stanford is being stripped of his knighthood in the Caribbean nation of Antigua and Barbuda, the head of the government panel that approves the awards said Monday. (Anita Kentish, Associated Press, Houston Chronicle, November 2, 2009)

Seen on Beachton Street

Seen at I45 and FM1960

I like a bum with a sense of humor.

Full Disclosure

Bloggers who offer endorsements must disclose any payments they have received from the subjects of their reviews or face penalties of up to $11,000 per violation, the Federal Trade Commission said Monday.

The agency, charged with protecting consumer interests, had not updated its policy on endorsements in nearly three decades, well before the Internet became a force in shaping consumer tastes. The new rules attempt to make more transparent corporate payments to bloggers, research firms and celebrities that help promote a product.(Cecelia Kang, Washington Post, October 6, 2009)

No one has ever given me any money or goods for my blog. Therefore, alas, I am in full compliance with the new rule.

Monsterville Horton IV -- the best name ever!

The empty parking spaces at lunchtime are an uncanny sight, and the rumbling in the distance bodes ill.

Rice Village merchants have come to hear that sound as a harbinger of doomed sales, a menace that keeps shoppers at bay. It's the low, incessant grumble of track hoes on Kirby Drive.[...]

At Cova, a high-end wine shop, owner Monsterville Horton IV watched the confluence of three Cats gouging out the intersection of Kirby and Quenby, where traffic alternately stopped and lurched forward. (Jennifer Latson, The Houston Chronicle, 9-23-2009)

Monsterville Horton IV?! Were there three previous Monstervilles??

 

Monsterville Horton IV... He looks so normal. (Photo by Julio Cortez)

Stupids

Cartoon by Marc Murphy. (Hat tip to Crooks and Liars.)

Everything Sounds Better Auto-Tuned

I make no excuses. I think this is funny.

Disco Bank Robber from Outer Space!

Jeezus, it's September already, but people got a few excellent crimes in the last days of  August! The latest bank robber to hit Houston wants to out-weird the Reckless Robber (hero to bicyclists everywhere).

Authorities are searching for a man they say robbed two banks in less than a hour while wearing a silver sweat-inducing jogging suit and toting a pistol.

The first robbery occurred about 11:30 a.m. last Friday at a Wachovia branch at 5650 Memorial Drive, according to the FBI. The second heist occurred about 45 minutes later and 25 miles away at a Bank of America branch at 1550 West Bay Area Boulevard, officials said.

Because of his distinctive get-up, which included sunglasses, the FBI has labeled him the “Sweatin' to the Oldies” robber. (Dale Lezon, The Houston Chronicle, Sept. 3, 2009)

What the fuck? Is it the official policy of the FBI to give ridiculous names to robbery suspects?

    

Over at B.S. Houston Art Blog, it is suggested he looks like Frank Black. But I think he looks more like David Thomas of Pere Ubu. What's your opinion, readers?

 Frank Black

David Thomas

Bad Bicyclist

Recently I have been blogged about crimes against bicyclists (here, here, and here). But maybe I was too hasty! Maybe bicyclists deserve what they get and more because of their own criminal nature. Indeed, if you read the reader comments of the stories linked to above, you will find numerous examples of bicyclist lawlessness being used to excuse crimes against bicyclists.

Up to now, I have pooh-poohed their concerns. After all, the fact that cyclists sometimes don't stop at stop signs hardly seems to justify killing them. But check this out (reported by the Chron's master of weird crimes, Dale Lezon):

A man who is suspected in more than a dozen armed bank robberies in the Houston area struck again this week, riding a bicycle to get away and brandishing a pistol as he demanded money from tellers at a bank in Kingwood.

The man, who has been dubbed the "Reckless Robber" because of the way he waves his gun wildly, most recently hit the Wells Fargo branch at 1910 West Lake Houston Parkway about 10:30 a.m. Thursday, federal officials said.

He is suspected in 13 other bank heists dating back to Oct. 8 according to the FBI.

I think this proves the criminality of bicyclists, which in turn certainly justifies running them down with cars or shooting them. I condemn the "reckless robber," but at the same time, I want to commend him.

The Reckless Robber

He wore a white T-shirt with dark colored sleeves, dark shorts, a dark-colored bicycle helmet, bicycle gloves, and dark sunglasses.

Bike safety is an important lesson to impart to our children, and it is encouraging to see that even violent criminals are doing their part to get the message across. Reckless Robber, on behalf of the children of America, I thank you.

Upside to Obesity

George Vera--Man With the Hidden Gun

Two weeks ago, I went on weight watchers. Being overweight is unhealthy, unsexy, and forces a fellow to shop at big-and-tall stores with terrible yet overpriced clothes. So wish me luck.

That said, being fat can have its advantages.

An obese Harris County jail inmate turned over a pistol that had been hidden in the folds of his skin after he went through at least five searches upon his arrest and was booked into two different local lockups, authorities said. George Vera, 25, is charged with possession of a firearm in a correctional facility. [...] The Houston Police Department, which operates the city jail, and the Harris County Sheriff's Office, which operates the county jail, are investigating. [...]

A spokesman for the Houston Police Department, Kese Smith, said that procedures call for a suspect to be searched upon arrest, twice at the city jail and once more upon his transfer. He said there's no special provision regarding obese people, but officers are trained to thoroughly search suspects.

Vera, who is 5-foot-10 and weighs more 500 pounds, was arrested by Houston police and booked into the city jail Sunday on suspicion of bootlegging compact disc recordings, said Donna Hawkins, spokeswoman for the Harris County District Attorney's Office.

By Monday, Vera was transferred to the county jail, where he was searched at least once. While he was in the shower that day, he told a guard that he had weapon on him.

Garza said officers found a 9-millimeter handgun beneath folds of his skin. The gun was not loaded and it was unclear whether bullets were found. (Dale Lezon, The Houston Chronicle)

This story begs all kinds of questions--some I don't even want to ask. But here's one--don't the prisoners go through metal detectors? And if so, isn't there something inadequate about a metal detector that can't detect a gun hidden under a guy's, um, folds? Just wondering.

(Dale Lezon gets the most awesome stories at The Chronicle. I hope he's saving them up so he can write the truly demented crime novel that Houston deserves.)

Hot Houston Days

Ah, the halcyon days of summer...

Houston police have arrested and charged a man in the ax-slaying of his roommate.
Robert Fulton Burns, 42, is charged with murdering a man identified by relatives as Lewis Mack Holiday, 41, at his home in the 5800 block of Hirondel in southeast Houston on Sunday night. (Dale Lezon, The Houston Chronicle)

...When we sit in the sultry shade sipping tall cool drinks...

A man was killed by another man wielding a machete or a large knife Tuesday night just north of downtown.
The slaying happened about 9 p.m. in the 2800 block of Lorraine at Jensen. (Dale Lezon, The Houston Chronicle)

...Reading Dale Lezon's pithy accounts of life in our fair city.

Robert Fulton Burns, man about town

Art and the Death of a Cat

This is maybe the weirdest and yet most moving blog post I have read in a long time. Houston artblogger B.S. Houston writes about the death of his cat, Pumpkin.



Read it.

Quote of the Day

"It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary depends upon his not understanding it."
--Upton Sinclair

I was trying to think of this quote when I was writing my review of The Myth of the Rational Market. It's one of my favorites.